Reflection 1: Being a Woman in Systematic Theology Studies is Hard

The longer I'm in academia, the more resistance I've encountered. I have often felt like an outcast in my own program. I have also felt like a woman wearing an invisible scarlet letter in my culture. And sometimes, it feels like others have given me a plastic participation award for being in this program as a woman. Some have questioned my tenacity to endure such a program, some have given me “the look,” and some act surprised. I don’t blame them because I have felt the same way about my educational journey for the same reasons. But thankfully, I’m blessed with the right kind of people that encourage me to keep going. Namely, my super cool husband, Mone. I have a wonderful husband who supports me, and is remarkable, gifted, and intelligent in ways God has specifically designed him to be. He is secure in his growing knowledge and love of the Lord that God’s plan for me doesn’t make him feel any less-than as a pastor. 

Some assumed he was in seminary while I was auditing classes alongside him at the start of this journey. It’s still the case that when we are both in rooms of theology nerds, pastors, and distant friends, he’s asked all the fun questions about what it’s like to be in full-time ministry and many welcome his thoughts on theology. Though I am basically doing full-time ministry vocationally, the invitation to engage in theological conversations is rarely extended to me – his wife, a woman who ironically is the spouse studying systematic theology. I’m not trying to point fingers or give excuses, but these experiences happen more often than I imagined. Can’t I simply be a woman who loves God and wants to study theology in-depth? 

Perhaps the uncomfortable reality is mixed-gender dynamics, perhaps it's cultural, or maybe it’s something else others are working through. Hear me out: I’m not trying to be a woman pastor. I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone. And I’m not claiming that I know it all. Firstly, why do we treat egalitarianism like it’s the new litmus test to identify evangelicals? Secondly, would anyone ask a man if he was trying to prove anything by studying systematic theology? Thirdly, it’s true that “...the more you know, the more you know you don’t know.”

The hurdles of being a woman in this field are galore, but I’ll save it for another time. For now, I just am thankful God makes room for women in ministry. He sees us, is for us, and uses women to serve in glorious ways for His kingdom.

Reflection 2: Charitable Listening

Spoon-fed theology is harming our Christian community; I didn’t recognize it until this program. Scholarship has opened my eyes to hearing others charitably. I remember being a zealous advocate for theological truths that I self-appointed excommunicated from my version of sound theology. Not my proudest season, but I definitely called others “false teachers” for not believing the same thing I did. Though there are orthodox thresholds, I was wrong a lot of the time. I held tertiary issues as gospel, neglected the complexity of individuals, and misunderstood the implications of the Holy Spirit’s work in the diverse Church. Put simply, I was a young, legalistic individual who desired unification instead of unity. I confess. I repent. 

This degree and environment forced me to interact with source texts from great heroes of the faith and eras of Christendom I admired. I found that my ideological heroism of “sound theologians” were not as black and white as I thought. Luther’s theology wasn’t perfect, nor was Calvin. And though Origen may have over-allegorized the Scriptures and was deemed a heretic by the Ecumenical Council of Constantinople, his contributions to Christian philosophy (most notably to freedom and will) have shaped the landscape for Christian culture and theology. No one has perfect theology but God Himself. Of course, I still have particular convictions from God’s Word; but I try to comprehend the variety of voices that have exegeted differently.

Inviting others to the table enlivens our Christian fellowship and prompts charitable listening and humility. Because of my graduate studies, I have prepared myself to more critically examine cultural Christianity as well as the celebrities and platforms that exist within it. 

Reflection 4: Godly Community

For a year, I was often the only girl in my Systematic Theology classes. Praise God that things have changed since. I am so thankful for my community of brothers and sisters who have walked with me and continue to walk with me through long hours of studying, writing, reading, and lectures. My TEDS community has been challenging to find since I was a commuter student. Driving from Aurora, Illinois, to Deerfield, IL, takes me two hours within any given school day (one hour there, one hour back). But God is so good, and I think I’ll have a good number of friends leaving Trinity. Perhaps it’s not as much as an on-campus student would have, but it’s more than enough for me. My friendships with women and men are healthy and growing. The women in my life are incredible, affirming, and lively. It took me a while, but I definitely “found my people” at TEDS. And I’d like to think my friendships with men are also quite wonderful. My dear brothers in Christ are uplifting, encouraging, and real with me. Mixed-gender friendships can be complex when gauging a healthy dynamic, but it’s one that requires trust and willingness. 

Before my studies in Bible and theology, I was always skeptical about how women and men could be good friends. It was a foreign concept to me for several reasons. But now, I’m grateful that my husband, Mone and I have healthy friendships with men and women in our various circles. We are fully transparent, aware, and trusting of one another. We are so thankful for our diverse godly communities. (you know who you are - love y’all)

Reflection 5: Understanding Systematic Theology

I walked into this degree program, confident that I had a good foundation in systematics. I was wrong again. Being an academic in theology is more complex than memorizing a set of terms or downloading catechisms into the brain. Systematic theology engages with the world across all generations, backgrounds, and complexities. It identifies areas where growth through love and knowledge is necessary. To some degree, I still feel like I’m learning the basics of systematics. I’m finding that in my studies, I have asked more questions than been given answers — and I’m okay with that.

Wrap Up: 

You bet I get anxious about the “what’s next?” conversation. And yes, I still am learning many things in my field. But I trust that God’s going to use it at some point in ministry. Getting this degree is not about stature, name, or gain – it’s about God, the people I love along the way, and the impact it has on the kingdom of God.

If you had asked me 7-10 years ago what I imagined for myself, this was far from it. I was a lousy student, distant from God, a bad friend, and a modern-day Pharisee. It was hard to discern God’s voice in my insecurities. Honestly, I’m still susceptible to be any of the above, but I seek to choose to remember the Apostle Paul’s words, “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.” (Philippians 3:12) I have not arrived at my academic goals. But the goal isn’t a Christianized version of a broken Hegelian model. The educational journey is really about spiritual formation, discipleship, and evangelism.

Reflection 3: Imposter Syndrome

Imposter Syndrome haunts me. The enemy enjoys reminding me of my imperfections, things I don’t know, and he attacks my worthiness often. He also points out people who are further along than me. Comparison steals joy and invades contentment in the Lord’s work and use of us. I have to make it a common practice to be thankful for God’s grace in my life. Along the same thread, it’s easy to see my uniqueness as a weakness. I’m a second-generation Hmong American woman who asks different questions, answers in different ways, and is concerned about issues that my friends who live in different microcosms have yet to consider or comprehend. Likewise, I’ve found that many ask different questions because of their backgrounds, concerns, and values too! There’s overlap in interests, but the difference is obvious. I’ve learned that we all don’t have to act and think alike to build God’s kingdom. Imposter syndrome hasn’t entirely left my ecosystem or consciousness yet, but I try to choose to listen and obey God's voice among the muffled insecurities.